When I saw Lydia last Friday, she asked me how accurate my blog was, if I was sharing and portraying the full me. It’s a good question. Prior to my separation from my ex, I was writing posts as if I was happy, when in reality I felt extremely miserable. I never want to go that far again in my posts, but at the same time I’m not going to write about if Shari and I have a disagreement, for example. With the schedule I’ve been doing lately, of only posting about what’s going on in my life every Monday, I don’t always go into a lot of detail because I have a lot to cover. So when I wrote yesterday that seeing Lydia was “bittersweet and also sad”, you may not get the nuance of what that actually means. That I felt negative while also happy as I walked next to someone I love. That I cried after seeing her. That I felt angry about how hard it was to schedule time with her because she was also trying to spend time with her son. That I’ve been writing in my journal almost every day, working hard to process my feelings and continue to grow. And even those few sentences don’t truly capture the anxiety I felt the week leading up to seeing her and the anxiety I continue to feel today. Do I need to share all of that? I don’t know. I do want to be authentic and I do want anyone who reads my posts to know that I’m a human being. That my life, while full of love and happiness, can also be filled with sadness, pain, overwhelm, anxiety, and anger. I want to be clear that when I share these feelings, I am not posting to make people feel sad for me. I am posting to show all sides of me.
I primarily use this blog to remind myself of the happy and fun moments I have. I see a therapist, talk to my friends and family, and utilize the skills my therapist has taught me to process the not happy moments I have. I try to mention some of those harder moments on here because I want people to be able to connect and relate to me, but I don’t mention them all.
I think the purpose of this post is to remind myself and others that it’s ok to be vulnerable. It’s ok to feel all the emotions and to acknowledge that one is feeling those emotions. It’s ok to not know how you feel.
Lydia came over to my place yesterday and we had a really nice dinner and a really good conversation where I was very honest about my feelings around the divorce and the situation leading up to the divorce. I 100% enjoyed my time with her and have no regrets. I look forward to seeing her again, both in person and virtually. And while I felt good about where we left things, I still am feeling the repercussions of the anxiety and stress I felt all last week. I’m still feeling those feelings and having to deal with them. And that sucks because it affects my life and the people I interact with. (Just ask Shari!) But I am worth the processing of all my feelings and working through them. I am worth being cared for, both by myself and by others. So I will continue to do my best, it’s all I can ask of myself. ❤