I haven’t felt like writing recently. The past month or so, honestly, I’ve felt ungrounded. I couldn’t figure out why until last week Shari helped me realize it’s because I wasn’t processing the sadness I felt with my sister moving. I had subconsciously been ignoring and pushing down my feelings until they bubbled up.
At the end of April, Kaitlin told me she and her family would be moving to the southern part of Texas by August if not earlier. The reason is valiant – Kaitlin and Kevin want to help the immigrants on the Mexican and US border. There is a lot of suffering happening and they want to help reduce that. But their noble cause has consequences for me, my parents, Kevin’s family, and of course Kaitlin, Kevin, Emily, and Ollie themselves. The consequence for me is that I feel incredibly sad and scared. My sister and I have lived in the same state for almost our entire lives, except the four years we were in college. Knowing that she lives only an hour away from me now has perhaps been a crutch that I didn’t realize I had. I knew I could see her at any time. With her moving two plane rides away, my crutch is suddenly torn out from under me. I don’t know when I’ll see her next once she moves. Texting, video chats, and phone calls are of course an option but Kaitlin is already busy without helping those in need so I expect our communication will lessen even more than it already is once she moves. That makes me feel sad. We’re all stepping into the unknown and I feel scared.
But how can I not be supportive of them making that move? They’re excited. They’re going to help people. Of course I want them to have a positive experience and impact. I’m coming to realize that life isn’t a month or a year of happiness and then a month of stress and worry. Every day, every week, every month is a mix of ups and downs. I feel sad about Kaitlin moving farther away while at the same time I feel excited for this new chapter for her and her family. Change begets growth. Not only will Kaitlin and her family get to grow but I will also, as I learn what it means to not have my sister living in the same state as me. I can only hope that I will be able to embrace this change, both in its feelings of sadness and its feelings of excitement, so that I can grow in a positive way, in a way that I will be proud of.
I will miss Kaitlin, Kevin, Emily, and Ollie so very much. I have enjoyed those moments of laughter and love that I’ve been so privileged to have these past few years. I will miss getting to see my niece and nephew grow and learn. It hurts my heart knowing I won’t get to see them as often. Perhaps though it means I will cherish the times I do see them even more. I will definitely have more cry sessions as I adjust. But more crying means I’m processing my feelings and thoughts and that right there is what keeps me grounded. That is what allows me to be in the moment and to truly savor life. Can’t enjoy life without knowing grief, right?
So no more trying to ignore the inevitable. Kaitlin and Kevin sold their house this weekend. They move at the end of July. I feel sad now and I will feel sad then and I will feel sad once they’re gone. Hopefully in between those sad moments will be moments of laughter, happiness, and joy. I’ve got a lot going on this summer that I want to enjoy and appreciate and then maybe write about. But first, I need to write about this.
With that said, I won’t be consistently writing What I like Wednesday or Food Friday posts right now. I’m giving myself some breathing room and a bit of a break. We all gotta show ourselves love and self care and so I’m doing this for myself. If I feel up for it, I’ll write something. If I don’t, I won’t.
I am happy to report that I feel more grounded this week and look forward to spending some time with Kaitlin before she leaves. And as my therapist tells me, we’ll always be sisters, which means we will always have the capacity to love each other and stay friends even if the relationship looks different over the years.
Here’s to everyone having people in their lives that they love as much as I love the people in mine. ❤